It's Just Who I Am and What I Do
In an earlier post about my relationship with my brother Ryan, I wrote,
That was a few weeks ago and I keep thinking about that email. It keeps coming back to me because I just don't have an adequate response to it. I want to tell this man, and everybody else who feels the same way, that they need to be open with their sexual partners about what they enjoy, what turns them on, what they want to try. They and their partners need to be able to feel secure enough to open up to each other about these things; some of these desires and fantasies will be met receptively and even those that aren't will be respectfully declined. There are at least two problems with an answer like that, though. The first is that it's just not going to happen in this world. We can talk all we want about how couples should open up to each other, but there's a world of things many if not most couples are not able to do this about and sex is probably at the top of the list. Sex is probably the main thing that people feel insecure about, people in particular like my emailer. I don't know what his sex life with his current wife was like before they got married, but I suspect that there were hints then of the situation leading to his current dissatisfaction. People who can't or won't open up sexually to each other before marriage aren't likely to after they tie the knot. That, more than anything else, is why I think it's silly for people to save themselves for marriage. Those are the kind of people who typically believe that marriage is forever and if that proves to be true for them, an unhappy or unsatisfying sex life with their spouse will make their marriage seem empty and joyless. I've never been married, but I do know what I'm talking about here. I've slept with a lot of dissatisfied husbands and wives who are looking to me for things they weren't getting from their spouses.
Here's the second problem I have with ever giving marital advice or advice on fidelity: I've never been married and when in relationships I've never been faithful. I've never even tried to be faithful and I honestly don't think I ever will. It just doesn't interest me to try it. I, in case this has eluded your notice up to now, like to fuck around. I like to fuck men and women. I like the taste of pussy and cock and I like that all pussies and all cocks taste different, that all cocks inside me and all tongues on my clit feel different. I've been told, many times by many people, that I have an unhealthy obsession with sex. I'll admit that I am obsessed with sex, but I think it's just silly to say that my obsession is unhealthy. To my way of thinking my obsession is no less valid (actually it's far more valid) than the obsessions of other people I know with golf, or snow boarding, or playing softball, or blogging, or any number of other things that people do four, five, seven days a week, every week. And if you're willing to concede to me that me fucking every day is fine, but why can't I do it with the same partner every day, I ask you why can't a golfer play the same course every day, why doesn't a snow boarder go down the same slope every day? Some probably do and if that's all they need, then good for them. Most don't, though. Most want variety and some even travel all over the world to find that variety. I, and most other people, don't have a problem with that. Why do so many people have a problem with me wanting the same kind of variety of experiences in my hobby?
"As I've mentioned before, Ryan and his wife had a pretty active but not very imaginative or adventurous sex life. They'd fuck a couple times a week and he would go down on her every chance he got, but she'd go down on him only a few times a year and if his fingers, tongue, or cock ventured near her anus he'd get a stern look and have to return to a more acceptable orifice. As far as he knows she was happy with this and he, though he would have liked to try more things, wasn't too dissatisfied with his sex life. I'm afraid in his next marriage or serious relationship that may not be the case."I got an email from an on-line acquaintance who quoted that, then added, "My second marriage and I am stuck here again."
That was a few weeks ago and I keep thinking about that email. It keeps coming back to me because I just don't have an adequate response to it. I want to tell this man, and everybody else who feels the same way, that they need to be open with their sexual partners about what they enjoy, what turns them on, what they want to try. They and their partners need to be able to feel secure enough to open up to each other about these things; some of these desires and fantasies will be met receptively and even those that aren't will be respectfully declined. There are at least two problems with an answer like that, though. The first is that it's just not going to happen in this world. We can talk all we want about how couples should open up to each other, but there's a world of things many if not most couples are not able to do this about and sex is probably at the top of the list. Sex is probably the main thing that people feel insecure about, people in particular like my emailer. I don't know what his sex life with his current wife was like before they got married, but I suspect that there were hints then of the situation leading to his current dissatisfaction. People who can't or won't open up sexually to each other before marriage aren't likely to after they tie the knot. That, more than anything else, is why I think it's silly for people to save themselves for marriage. Those are the kind of people who typically believe that marriage is forever and if that proves to be true for them, an unhappy or unsatisfying sex life with their spouse will make their marriage seem empty and joyless. I've never been married, but I do know what I'm talking about here. I've slept with a lot of dissatisfied husbands and wives who are looking to me for things they weren't getting from their spouses.
Here's the second problem I have with ever giving marital advice or advice on fidelity: I've never been married and when in relationships I've never been faithful. I've never even tried to be faithful and I honestly don't think I ever will. It just doesn't interest me to try it. I, in case this has eluded your notice up to now, like to fuck around. I like to fuck men and women. I like the taste of pussy and cock and I like that all pussies and all cocks taste different, that all cocks inside me and all tongues on my clit feel different. I've been told, many times by many people, that I have an unhealthy obsession with sex. I'll admit that I am obsessed with sex, but I think it's just silly to say that my obsession is unhealthy. To my way of thinking my obsession is no less valid (actually it's far more valid) than the obsessions of other people I know with golf, or snow boarding, or playing softball, or blogging, or any number of other things that people do four, five, seven days a week, every week. And if you're willing to concede to me that me fucking every day is fine, but why can't I do it with the same partner every day, I ask you why can't a golfer play the same course every day, why doesn't a snow boarder go down the same slope every day? Some probably do and if that's all they need, then good for them. Most don't, though. Most want variety and some even travel all over the world to find that variety. I, and most other people, don't have a problem with that. Why do so many people have a problem with me wanting the same kind of variety of experiences in my hobby?
Labels: fidelity, fucking around
posted by Thumper at 5:09 PM
4 Comments:
Your attitude and intelligent approach to life and sex in this article is right on the money. Makes me wish somehow that long before now I had sucked all the cum from your pussy and then laid back on the pillows casually playing with nips as we talked about....lots of things...and had some really fine kisses intermixed here and there.
Despite all the messier things I write about and am known and loved for, I actually am pretty good at really fine kisses and talking too.
In my opinion, and this is coming from someone who was once accused of being addicted to sex, your desire for variety is not unhealthy. I would venture to say that it is rather normal. People do get stuck in ruts and get used to the "same-ol' thing." But a desire to do something (or someone) different is not a deviant behavior. We are just products of the society that we created, and unfortunately that creation by design is prudish and sexuality is not looked on as a "proper" topic for conversation.
I'll agree, it's difficult to talk to a partner about sexual desires sometimes. There has to be a strong trust between the two, but even then it's difficult. In my current relationship, we trust each other with our lives and have done things that by most standards is "advanced." Yet, it is still difficult to talk about those deep, dark desires, though we do and we sometimes act upon them.
I really think that it's about being patient and finding the right person. Once you do, everything else falls into place.
One of the funny things about my situation is that I find it easier to be open and honest about my sexual urges with the complete strangers I fuck than with those people with whom I have developed a more personal relationship. It's clear that it's because with the strangers I don't care if they find me too bizarre and reject me; I can go out and find somebody, someone who is willing to satisfy my kinky urges, to replace them in an hour. Once we're emotionally invested in somebody, though, we have more to lose if we scare them away with our deepest darkest desires. So we try to draw them in more slowly. And that's okay, that's how relationships of any kind, not just sexual relationships, develop. You get to know somebody a little bit at a time, and a little bit at a time you learn to adjust what you view as acceptable in a partner or a friend. Because we're so insecure about our sexuality, though, (well, you guys are) it often takes longer for people to open up to their partners, to people whom they trust with their lives, about what turns them on and even what turns them off. And I think that's a big part of why people like me and prostitutes are never lonely. If you know that the slut down the street or the escort on craigslist will satisfy your desire for anal or ATM, then why risk grossing out your partner by asking if she wants it?
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