Apologies and Best Wishes

It's been a weird few months.

I started getting really involved with some great people on Facebook, people from all over the world who made me feel warmly welcomed into their various communities.  It was really great.  There are aspects of my personality and my sexuality, that I've written about in depth here, which are not broadly accepted and which in the physical world I often have a hard time finding people who are accepting of them.  I found such people on facebook and it helped me feel not as...perverse.  This has been great.

While chatting with some of these people I often would "speak" of my relationships with people and I came to see that in a lot of these relationships, and in one in particular, I've been a self-centered douchebag.  I've been making an effort over the last few months to work on my current relationships and, with past relationships, try to atone for my actions with people who I have treated less than graciously.  This last part has led to mixed results, but I feel better for the effort and will keep working on this.

One problem I was having with this facebook world is that there were a lot of people who sincerely and warmly wanted to chat with me or exchange brief messages with me and, simply because of the volume I found it overwhelming.  I became incapable of sorting through it and prioritizing and my response was probably the worst possible...I just went dark, stopped logging in, and cut everybody off.  So, while working on being less of a doucebag in the physical world I turned into a giant douchebag on the internet.  I am really so very sorry to so many of you, and to Samantha Adams in particular.

Then there was my aunt, my father's younger sister.  As I was growing up she was the relative I was closest too. She was 15 years older than me and to me she was just the coolest person alive.  She was hot, funny, warm, and she always spoke to me in a way that indicated she liked and respected me.  As I got older we had less contact but my feelings for her only grew stronger. Then, earlier this year, we found out that she had advanced cancer and this fall I lost her.  I was more emotionally devastated than I have ever been.  It took me a couple of weeks to even begin to sort out how I would deal with her loss.  I'm not a religious person, so I don't pray.  There's an internal voice with whom I carry on a dialog about various things and for many years that voice was hers.  Now, suddenly, it was unmoored from a real living person.

Then, in the midst of this grieving, I was told, by a person who probably intended to hurt me and found the singularly most effective way to do so, that my late aunt had come to be disappointed in me; that she was offended and disgusted by my lifestyle.  Nothing my aunt had ever told or written to me had ever given me this sense and no physical artifact that she left behind, no letter or tape or anything, supported this.  But suddenly I had to confront the possibility that this was true, that the relationship I thought I had had with her and the impression of me that I thought she had were not only inaccurate but completely so.  So then I had to work through that, whether I believed that and, if I did, what should I do about that?  In the end I have come to believe, although I can no longer be 100% certain of this, that this other relative was just making this up.  On the path to this belief, though, I spent a lot of time thinking of my lifestyle and whether I should change my ways.

In the end, there are some of my more self destructive behaviors I probably should modify.  As much as I love collecting cum in my pussy and ass, and then sitting in it or having it run down my legs, I really need to practice more safe sex and make guys use condoms.  I don't intend to fuck any fewer people, though, and I still intend to be as public in my fucking as I can be.  I will try to be more cognizant of what other people actually want from their relationships with me and try not to just use them for my physical gratification if they are looking for something deeper.  This I think will be the hardest thing to adhere to.  I have just not cared to much about this in the past, figuring if people weren't getting what they needed from me emotionally they were free to leave.  Although this is true superficially, we all know that emotions are harder to deal with than that and we all allow ourselves to be trapped in relationships that are harmful for us.  I really want not to be the person who takes advantage of people who are emotionally drawn to me in ways that I cannot or will not reciprocate.

Anyway, I again apologize to those to whom my actions, intentionally or otherwise, have been hurtful.  And I wish for all of you a happy new year.