Another Side of the Story

Hey. I posted here once a couple years ago to introduce myself and I don't think I've been back since. I'm Kayla. Kayla the slut. Maybe Kayla the bitch to some of you. I thought I'd come back this once to tell you my story.

Nothing that Lisa wrote about me is not true. Not in the most recent entry about me leaving her or in any of the other entries she wrote. We obviously have different perspectives on things that have happened to us but mostly I am satisfied with the way she has described me. I mean, have you ever read how she describes me? I'm like a sex goddess! So mostly I just want to talk about that last entry and why I left her.

Let me tell you something about who I am. I used to be that skinny, kind of cute but real awkward and goofy girl in high school. The one who was always with a group of other awkward girls laughing and playing our silly games. The one who wished she could have a boyfriend and have sex with him but never did. The one who after high school stopped being skinny and became a little less awkward. Still awkward though. The thing is that even though I ended up with a body that men (and women too I guess) wanted to have sex with I've always still thought of myself as that awkward girl, the one who wanted to have a boyfriend and have sex with him. I did have a few boyfriends and of course I did have sex with them, but none of them were ever the one, you know. And then I met Lisa.

Lisa is not like anybody I have ever known. She's a person I would like to be if I had like three times the energy. I don't though, so she's the person I have most enjoyed being with. When you're with Lisa you're where the party is. Even if it's just the two of you. Anybody else might show up, anything might happen, and you will never be bored. I met Lisa online. We chatted for a couple of weeks and then because we actually lived pretty close to each other we met for dinner. After dinner we went to a bar and picked up a couple of guys (she picked up a couple of guys) and went back to her house and we fucked them. Each of us fucked both of them and at one point they both were fucking her. A couple nights later we go out again. This time though, I don't feel like going to a bar and picking up guys, so we go back to my place and sit and talk and drink wine and we're next to each other on the sofa and she's touching me as she talks and then she's holding me and then she's kissing me and then eventually she's eating my pussy and then, even more incredibly to me, I'm eating her pussy. This was stuff I'd occasionally wondered and fantasized about, having sex with another woman, and I already knew that she did that, but now I was in the middle of doing it. Just like that, in the course of a few days I'd been in my first orgy and had sex with my first woman. And I liked it. All of it. That took me awhile to accept. That I was okay with all of this. That I liked doing it. That I wanted to do it again. And that I wanted to do more of that kind of thing.

And I did. I became completely different from the shy awkward girl I always thought of myself as and became a lot more like Lisa. I became the sexual adventurer too. I would go to bars and pick up and fuck guys, one or two or even three at a time, sometimes without Lisa. I found that I really loved and craved sex too, just like she did, and I found that I could even make an enjoyable and lucrative living at it.

And another thing happened, that I really didn't expect. I fell in love with Lisa. Lisa said in her blog entry that I don't think of myself as a lesbian or a bisexual woman. That I'm a heterosexual woman who has sex with other women. And that sounds right to me. I have sex with other women because I found out how much I like kissing another woman and having my pussy eaten by another woman and how much I like eating another woman's pussy. But that's all physical things. I never thought that I'd fall in love with another woman or that I'd be part of a couple with another woman. Part of a lesbian couple. And I never accepted that I was. I was in love with Lisa because everybody is in love with Lisa. I think every guy and woman who fucks Lisa falls in love with her. I think everybody who meets her and somehow doesn't fuck her falls in love with her too. And what made it impossible for me to resist was that she fell in love with me. First. So as impossible as it is not to fall in love with her, imagine what it must be like to not fall in love with her if she's in love with you. I don't think there is anybody who could resist her if she turned all of her attention and sexual energy toward them. That's what she did to me and it never even occurred to me that I could or should resist her. She was taking me on this incredible adventure of life and sex and love and since she seemed to know the way I just went along. I never questioned whether it was right to or not.

So we settled in to a life together. We shared a home and a bed and too many other men and women to count. And I liked it, but I never thought it was the life I needed to be living. It wasn't the life I thought I need to end up with. You know, with the boyfriend or the husband I could be in love with and have sex with. Have kids with. Be a family. But I wasn't meeting and clicking with any guys like that so my life with Lisa was fine. It was comfortable and we were happy. And then Lisa fucked Ryan.

Ryan, you know, is Lisa's brother. Since I met him, I've always liked Ryan, but he was married all the years I knew him and Lisa. Then last year he and his wife split up and last fall he and Lisa fulfilled what I guess was a lifelong fantasy for both of them and fucked each other. And then, since I figured he was fair game, since me and Lisa shared all of our fuck buddies, I fucked him too. And that was a big mistake. Because all that time I knew Ryan I knew that the guy I was going to marry and fuck and have a family was going to be like him. Funny and handsome and smart and sexy and someone who would make me feel good just being around him. You know, a male Lisa. And after that first time I fucked him, actually probably even while I was fucking him that first time, I knew that either I was going to have to end up with him or I was going to have to get away from both him and Lisa. And that was just unthinkable.

So here's the thing. I know I'm probably just trying to justify what I did, to try to minimize the damage I've done, but it was plain, as even Lisa wrote, that Lisa and Ryan couldn't go on fucking forever. And it was plain, though we never admitted it to each other and probably not even consciously to ourselves, that eventually Lisa and I would break up. Because as she said, I would never be quite comfortable being part of a lesbian couple. I couldn't introduce Lisa to friends or family as my lover or my girlfriend, or my wife. I just couldn't. And with that being the way of things, I couldn't stand the thought of not being with Ryan. It would be such a waste. Why let him go and spend the rest of my life hoping to find someone like him when I could be with him? That's what I had to do. So that's what I did do.

I hope Lisa doesn't hate me, because I know I'll always love her and it will always be important to me what she thinks of me. I couldn't become her, but I became so much more than I used to be because of her. And you can't imagine how much it hurts me, how much it breaks my heart, to know what I've done to her and how betrayed she must feel by what I've done.

Anyway. Since Lisa told you what happened, I though I should try to tell my story. I don't know if it will make anybody not hate me, but I had to try.

A New Beginning?

My three-way sexual relationship with Kayla and my brother Ryan has come to an end, which I expected would happen someday but not quite in the manner that has come to pass. I figured that eventually Ryan would find a woman he could have a "normal" relationship with, someone he could openly go out with in public and take home to mom and present as his girlfriend. Someone who wasn't his sister. And he has. It's Kayla.

I can't say that I'm entirely surprised by this. I've known for a long time, from long before the three of us starting having sex together, that they were attracted to each other. That's one of the things that made the sex so satisfying to me, that the two people I loved and lusted for the most lusted for each other too. It was the type and depth of their feelings for each other that I hadn't counted on.

The hardest part for me to deal with is losing Kayla. Although I expected to lose Ryan to another woman eventually, I didn't expect to lose Kayla, though there were warning signs. Although I have never hesitated to introduce Kayla to people as my girlfriend and let them draw all the conclusions from that that their imaginations would allow, I never had the impression that she was entirely comfortable with the idea of being half of a lesbian couple. That she loved me and loved the sex with me I've never doubted, but I think she always thought of herself as a straight woman in love with and having an affair with a bisexual woman. Despite our relationship and despite her having had sex with other women, I don't think she has ever thought of herself as anything other than hetero. So I was always her friend Lisa. I was the woman she slept with, the woman she had her bi fling with until the right guy came along. (I'm trying to write this without any bitterness, but I get the feeling that some might be seeping out.) So I think she thinks Ryan is the right guy. And she may be right. I really hope she is. They are a beautiful couple, they've always enjoyed each other's company (which I think contributed to the tensions that brought about the end of Ryan's marriage), and they are still the two people I love the most in the world and I would like to see them both happy. It would be simplest and least painful for them at this point if they actually are right for each other. It will be awkward and probably quite painful for me to see them together for awhile, but that, I am hopeful, will soon pass.

This all started to come out into the open about four weeks ago and Kayla moved out about three weeks ago. I believe she's living with Ryan in Sacramento, though I'm not sure. When your only contact with somebody is through cell phones and email they could be anywhere without you being sure where. So for the last three weeks I've been here alone trying to come to terms with what's happened. I don't drink or do drugs, so neither of those was an option for dealing with this. Until this weekend even thinking about writing about this was just too wrenching. I have two friends, Karyn and Steve, either of whom in the past I probably would have been able to talk to about this, but this time that's not an option. Steve's been Karyn's boyfriend since last fall. Before that he was my one serious male friend, a guy I could go to dinner or a movie with and not have to fuck at the end of the night, though we often did. In a sense, he was my insurance policy, the one person who, if things fell apart between me and Kayla, I figured I could get together with, who would be my next boyfriend. With him and Karyn together as a couple now, though, and that option off the table, talking to either of them about me and Kayla now would just make it all seem more hopeless and painful.

So I've spent the last three weeks coping by fucking. Every time I started to feel myself getting depressed or feel sorry for myself I'd go out and find somebody to fuck. Usually somebody I already know, somebody from my large network of fuck buddies, but often I'd head to a bar or nightclub or park and pick the first likely stranger I'd find sitting on a bar stool or dancing next to me or jogging past and take him home and fuck him. It wasn't satisfying in the usual way I find fucking satisfying, but it certainly filled a need in me and distracted me from my empty home and bed and the tremendous pain and sense of loss in my heart. I'd fuck until I needed to sleep, then go to sleep until I'd wake up the next day and find a way to get through that day, which would usually involve fucking somebody else.

Anyway, I think it's working. It's helped me get through the first few painful and lonely weeks and now it doesn't hurt so much and I don't feel so empty and I'm ready to move on. I can start dealing with people as people again and go back to fucking for fun, rather than as a kind of therapy.

I didn't write you this so you could feel sorry for me. I just wanted you to know what's going on and why I've been out of touch. It's been a cold dark period, but the worst I think is behind me and I'm ready to be me again.